Editing: feedback on another writer's drafts

My notes on the opening of a draft about CNC prototyping in China.

Quoted blocks are the staff writer's draft. Everything else is my feedback, written as comments in a copy of the draft.

Stepping into the vast manufacturing world, one thing becomes crystal clear: precision is key. A precise prototype is indispensable regardless of the product, whether in the automotive, aerospace, medical device, or consumer electronics industry.

Many won’t know what “indispensable” means, or they’ll at least have to stop to think about it. We want to avoid that as much as possible. And then most of the readers won’t care about the rest of the paragraph (consumer electronics, aerospace, medical device, automotive). These educational facts are OK for our articles, however I feel like it’s too soon in this intro. First we make sure to spark their interest, then we educate and provide useful info.

Just a heads up, if you're off by even a hair, your entire product could crumble. It sounds tough, but that's the truth. That's why, in this bustling industry, companies like ours roll up their sleeves to offer top-notch CNC prototyping solutions in China.

I wouldn’t draw attention to Morpho services so soon, and the rest is not really useful info. There is a lot of fluff in the entire intro, and it only says: “In manufacturing - precision is key.” That said, saying only “In manufacturing, precision is key” could look weird, so some general fluff is OK. We all do it. The key is in doing it just enough so we can make our bigger points and that it is not noticeable.

Then the next part where the article reads:

...if you are off by even a hair your entire product could crumble

Is this really true? I mean, that’s why quality control exists. Any mistake would be detected and prevented in the next iterations. However, if there is manufacturing logic in saying that, then we just need to be more specific about the pain point.

The current pain point is “your product could crumble” - we can just take it one step further and say: “You could end up wasting time and money fixing things that should have been prevented at the get-go.” I think mentioning their time and money would pack a bigger punch.

Then we can make the next point off of that: “That’s exactly why you need to read this article.” (replacing the “what you will learn” label that comes later in the original). And like this we create a natural flow that is easy to read while saying the same things.

• Precision is key
• Ignore it and you will waste time and money
• That’s why you must read this article

Now, let's address the elephant in the room. Have you heard the joke about everything from China being a 'knockoff'? Well, let's debunk that myth with ground reality.

First it’s a joke, then a myth? But in any case, I think it’s too soon to make this point. We should do this after we tell them “Go to China” or “Go with Morpho” by the end of the article or something. It can have a place in the intro too, but here there is no context.

Do You Know?

Let’s not capitalize individual letters in paragraph style text (“Did you know?”). You should also have less of these “What’s more”, “Do you know?” types of paragraph breaks. I recognize their importance and you are on the right track, however it must be natural, not forced.

A report states, "In 2022 alone, China exported a whopping $3.59 trillion worth of goods!" That's right, TRILLION!

This is not surprising. People would expect this huge number from China. The quote from the report is OK to make a broader point, but having it for the sake of saying “That’s right, TRILLION!” isn’t worth the space it takes.

Now, if 'Made in China' was synonymous with 'cheap,' would their exports have grown by about seven percent compared to the last year?

I don’t think readers will consider the size of the export as proof of quality in China.

So, now you know China is also known for precision, not just pandas!

This kind of analogy/humor is great, it’s quick and exactly what we need. The only issue here is that the intro part does not convince anyone that China is known for precision. All we’ve established is the amount of exports.

What Will You Learn? We're diving deep into CNC prototyping, why precision is non-negotiable, and how China is leading the charge. Ready for the ride? Let's jump right in!

This is just an example of a promise that’s more in tune with what the reader wants. If we know we can’t give them cost estimates, we have to find another promise they will want to read the entire article for.

Notes on the body of the same draft, and the closing note I sent with it.

Quoted blocks are the staff writer's draft. Everything else is my feedback.

The 'Flexible Octopus': Multi-Axis CNC Machining
The 'Carwash': Water Jet Machining
'Drill Sergeant': Drilling
'The Sculptor': Milling
'Smooth Operator': Grinding
'The Acrobat': Wire EDM
'Hot Stuff': Laser Cutting

About these labels (Hot Stuff, Carwash, etc.), if they are used in manufacturing in real life, in small talk at least, then we should use them as well. If this is something GPT invented - I would then delete this.

Remember, each of these methods is as unique as a snowflake in a blizzard. So pick wisely, my friend.

Wouldn’t Morpho help its clients pick the right machining method for their prototype? Then why would we say “Pick wisely”? Instead, this is a natural opportunity to mention Morpho services. For example:

So we don’t have to mention Morpho directly, but we are throwing a bone to the concept of going through a CM.

And guess what?

This one is great!

Some general notes:

When writing these articles, constantly try to imagine you are reading the article as if you are the reader who is getting ready to do CNC prototyping for your product idea. They are at least exploring the idea of CNC machining and they stumble upon Morpho’s website. They want to read information they can use, they want to learn new things that are going to feel like they are moving forward, like this is valuable stuff that will help them achieve their goals. They don’t care about Morpho, its services, its credentials, its people, clients AT ALL. Whether Morpho exists on the Earth in one moment, and then disappears in the next, doesn’t change their life in any way.

UNTIL… They are convinced that Morpho could just be their ace up their sleeve, their advantage, their “lucky break” in finding the right people to give their money to.

We are not going to convince anyone that we are those people and that company by writing articles like we are in the university:

A precise prototype is indispensable regardless of the product, whether in the automotive, aerospace, medical device, or consumer electronics industry.

50% of readers will not know what “indispensable” means. 100% of them will not care about the rest of the sentence.

My notes on a draft about luxury jewelry manufacturing in China, with rewrites.

Quoted blocks are the staff writer's draft. Everything else is my feedback, including the rewrites labeled as mine.

Dipping into the vast realm of luxury jewelry manufacturing in China? You can shine brilliantly in the global jewelry market with the right design, vision, and established ties in China. Yet, it's vital to sidestep those errors many budding jewelers stumble upon.

China's jewelry manufacturing scene is akin to a finely cut diamond - one facet gleams with unparalleled craftsmanship, while another promises timely delivery of those exquisite pieces to an international clientele.

So, if you're holding onto a groundbreaking jewelry concept but grappling with the 'where and how to produce' dilemma, this guide's got your back. Drawing from years of hands-on involvement with Chinese jewelry manufacturers, this guide is crafted from genuine insights and lessons I've gathered along the way.

On first glance I think this intro should be 1 paragraph instead of 3.

Let’s look at the 3rd paragraph:

So, if you're holding onto a groundbreaking jewelry concept but grappling with the 'where and how to produce' dilemma, this guide's got your back. Drawing from years of hands-on involvement with Chinese jewelry manufacturers, this guide is crafted from genuine insights and lessons I've gathered along the way.

This could be the entire intro without the first two. So either the flow isn’t good or the first two paragraphs are unnecessary fluff. But what if you said something important in the first two paragraphs? Well, then we should look to create a new intro that’s shorter and combines all the important things you want to convey to the reader.

In the first paragraph:

• We ask the reader a question that confirms their desire/establishes our audience
• We confirm that with X, Y, and Z it’s possible to manufacture in China but there are mistakes people make.

The second paragraph:

It says that China can make good jewelry and that they can ship it overseas. A lot of fluff and poetry to say something that should have been obvious from the first paragraph. The shipping information is the only new/valuable thing in the entire paragraph.

The third paragraph:

We confirm the reader has an idea for a jewelry product but doesn’t know where to go with it. This is the best paragraph. It poses the reader’s dilemma and then explains this guide will help them and that it is based on first-hand experience and talks from 1st person perspective (Josh’s perspective).

My advice is to tone down the poetry and complexity. Combine these 3 paragraphs into one or two max while prioritizing giving valuable info over stylistic/poetic writing. Try using the 3rd paragraph as a base to start with, then introduce new info if you think it’s necessary.

Remember: Our intro can have 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 etc. paragraphs, it doesn’t matter as long as everything we write is valuable / serves some purpose. The only metric is this:

(There are exceptions of course, and sometimes a little style, poetry, analogies, or adjectives are great to mix in, but in most cases best to avoid.) In this case, we have 3 paragraphs where only one is useful and a small part of the other two is something new. Additionally, they are all filled with fluff wording/adjectives, etc.

When one thinks of China, the immediate association with 'bulk production' and 'affordable costs' is often hard to shake off. However, it's time to pivot that perspective, especially in luxury jewelry manufacturing.

Some unnecessary complexity here, but it’s not a dealbreaker. Maybe it’s just me, but I look at this and think, why say “pivot” when we can just say “change”? Most people that know the word also know that it reflects “a change of direction in business”. This is a tiny mistake that I make all the time. It’s worth mentioning.

Now, you might be pondering: "Can China truly be the platform where my brand rivals global giants like Cartier or Tiffany?" Your concerns are valid if your dream is to rub shoulders with world-class jewelry magnates. Yet, with the right connections and the perfect manufacturer in China, that dream isn't just achievable - it's within arm's reach.

Tiffany and Cartier are huge brands and household names. I worry that saying to the reader that rivaling these brands is “within arm’s reach” might make them lose credibility in the rest of the things we say in this article / on our website.

That said, it’s good to mention these brands and the stats you found so that the reader knows we are up to date on the industry. I’d rewrite this to something like this:

Venturing into China's luxury jewelry manufacturing market is no small feat, and like any significant endeavor, it's riddled with pitfalls. While the potential rewards are high, so too are the stakes. To ensure your journey is smooth, we're diving deep into the most common blunders made by businesses and offering solutions to steer clear of them.

My thoughts about my rewrite:

I think it’s good to remind the reader about what they are risking (time, money, trust), while also reminding them how awesome it would be to find success. I’ve removed “no small feat” but now realize that it is a common term people use and I should have kept it in. It sounds good. People even use that in conversation. So now that I think about it, I will put that back in there. The issues I do have are: “Venturing”, “Endeavor”, “Riddled”, and “Pitfalls”. When we use all these more complex terms in a single paragraph, we risk eliminating the potential emotional effect on the reader.

This can be further improved, probably could be shorter, maybe emphasize family more or emphasize business partners/investors more etc., the first rewrite might be better now that I look at it again. But I leave that to you to decide as it is your article.

It's a digital age, and a simple online search like "luxury jewelry manufacturer in China" or "high-end custom jewelry manufacturer in China" can yield thousands of results, with each company asserting they're the ideal fit for your unique requirements.

Good idea to implement keywords naturally.

Diving headfirst into a partnership without thorough vetting can lead to significant mismatches in expectations and results, impacting the entire production process.

Rewrite “significant mismatches” and “impacting the entire production process”. Tell the reader what the consequences of these two things are instead of ending with the warning alone. You can say “significant mismatches” and then explain what this means in real life, how it affects the buyer negatively. You can also not say “significant mismatches” and just jump into the consequences of the situation, i.e. “lead to you wasting your money with people who said they can do it when they knew damn well they couldn’t.”

If we were aiming for a more formal/professional writing style, we could say “...can lead to significant mismatches that hinder your chances of success in manufacturing, resulting in a waste of time and investments”, but we are more interested in a conversational writing style.

If you are reading this thinking I am taking it too far or too seriously, mentioning every detail etc., understand that a lot of this is to provide general advice, not just for this specific article. If you disagree with anything I said you can disregard my suggestions and keep your writing as-is. It is your article!

It's crucial to be discerning.

I had to Google “discerning” because I wasn’t sure what it meant exactly.